Going the Distance…

28 Jan

Today’s entry really isn’t about any adventure. Its about my need to clear to my head and own my feelings.

I’ve had two rules which I’ve lived by when it comes to relationships. 1. No Long Distance, I need hugs way too much for that nonsense. 2. Never move for anyone other than yourself, what movie have you ever seen where that works? I broke the first one in June and I’m about to break the second one. 

I’m separated from Ace by almost 3,000 miles and a 3 hour time difference, meaning that when I’m getting up in the morning he’s still asleep. When I’m getting off work, he still has 3 hours to go. When I’m typically ready to go to bed, he’s eating dinner. See the problem here? Coordinating schedules to find a few moments of conversation is hard, it takes effort, and it’s not convenient. I know, I know, I know. These things are hard for any relationship regardless of geographic location.

My frustration begins here though, last night. Ace has been working longer hours this week and traveling, which means that we fit our conversations in where we can and that often means very short exchanges that have more to do with his work than anything else.  Last night, I’m at dinner celebrating our friends’ birthday when I receive a message from him asking what I’m up to and a subsequent one that states he is grouchy. Grouchy=no fun and more often than not I’m able to talk him a feet back from that ledge. 

After the dinner party, I tried to call him. Voicemail. I left a message, let time go by, and later sent a message inquiring if he was still grouchy. Yes. I respect people when they say they are grouchy and not in the mood to talk, I get it. I do the exact same thing. So now you’re wondering, so what’s the problem?  Well, I wasn’t so upset until today when it hit me in the face like a cream pie. I had been looking forward to talking to him all day. I was excited, I wanted to share my day with him, I wanted to ask ridiculous questions. It also didn’t help matters that I was unable to fall sleep until 5:30 a.m. and the one person that I had been wanting to talk since midnight (9pm his time) had made himself unavailable.

Light bulb moment: I found the gesture selfish.  We are talking of living together and when you live with someone it’s not as easy as not answering the phone, locking the door, or pulling the sheets over your head. When you have a bad day you don’t get to ignore the other person. That’s what the other person is there for to help you find balance.  To help you get over your mad spot or give you someone else to think about at the very least. Diversion. It works at least for a little while, right?

And now I feel selfish for being upset. I sometimes don’t want to talk either and won’t answer my phone as well. If I get into a serious funk I need time to just be. I understand this need! SO WHY, AM I FRUSTRATED?!  Perhaps it’s a combination of things: the distance, lack of quality conversation, and the feeling that whatever was on my mind wasn’t important.  I don’t know.

At the same time, I don’t feel selfish. I feel justified. I still love Ace, no matter that sometimes he drives me crazy.
*While writing this I received a message from Ace stating that he was being selfish.

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Posted by on January 28, 2011 in Uncategorized


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