Going the Distance…

Today’s entry really isn’t about any adventure. Its about my need to clear to my head and own my feelings.

I’ve had two rules which I’ve lived by when it comes to relationships. 1. No Long Distance, I need hugs way too much for that nonsense. 2. Never move for anyone other than yourself, what movie have you ever seen where that works? I broke the first one in June and I’m about to break the second one. 

I’m separated from Ace by almost 3,000 miles and a 3 hour time difference, meaning that when I’m getting up in the morning he’s still asleep. When I’m getting off work, he still has 3 hours to go. When I’m typically ready to go to bed, he’s eating dinner. See the problem here? Coordinating schedules to find a few moments of conversation is hard, it takes effort, and it’s not convenient. I know, I know, I know. These things are hard for any relationship regardless of geographic location.

My frustration begins here though, last night. Ace has been working longer hours this week and traveling, which means that we fit our conversations in where we can and that often means very short exchanges that have more to do with his work than anything else.  Last night, I’m at dinner celebrating our friends’ birthday when I receive a message from him asking what I’m up to and a subsequent one that states he is grouchy. Grouchy=no fun and more often than not I’m able to talk him a feet back from that ledge. 

After the dinner party, I tried to call him. Voicemail. I left a message, let time go by, and later sent a message inquiring if he was still grouchy. Yes. I respect people when they say they are grouchy and not in the mood to talk, I get it. I do the exact same thing. So now you’re wondering, so what’s the problem?  Well, I wasn’t so upset until today when it hit me in the face like a cream pie. I had been looking forward to talking to him all day. I was excited, I wanted to share my day with him, I wanted to ask ridiculous questions. It also didn’t help matters that I was unable to fall sleep until 5:30 a.m. and the one person that I had been wanting to talk since midnight (9pm his time) had made himself unavailable.

Light bulb moment: I found the gesture selfish.  We are talking of living together and when you live with someone it’s not as easy as not answering the phone, locking the door, or pulling the sheets over your head. When you have a bad day you don’t get to ignore the other person. That’s what the other person is there for to help you find balance.  To help you get over your mad spot or give you someone else to think about at the very least. Diversion. It works at least for a little while, right?

And now I feel selfish for being upset. I sometimes don’t want to talk either and won’t answer my phone as well. If I get into a serious funk I need time to just be. I understand this need! SO WHY, AM I FRUSTRATED?!  Perhaps it’s a combination of things: the distance, lack of quality conversation, and the feeling that whatever was on my mind wasn’t important.  I don’t know.

At the same time, I don’t feel selfish. I feel justified. I still love Ace, no matter that sometimes he drives me crazy.
*While writing this I received a message from Ace stating that he was being selfish.

 

I will fall…

I added another adventure to my list a while back, to see real snow. Sure I’ve seen snow before, but its always been laden with ice and extremely wet. Right after I added this adventure to my list, my boyfriend who lives 2,664 miles away called me up and asked me if I would like to spend New Years in Tahoe.

It was kismet!   I also decided that this would be a great time to try my hand or my feet rather at snowboarding. I mean, why not, right?

Tahoe was breathtaking!  I was greeted with snow and rain, but luckily the rain fizzled into to snow flurries. After settling into the cabin, we went for a walk to explore and so that I could get my first taste of snow. It was wonderful!  The first night by the gas fireplace  with a glass of wine was perfect and I couldn’t have hoped for anything better.

The next day I awoke to additional 2 feet of gorgeous powder which had transformed the once visible road into an ice slide.  We struck out to the resort around 8 am in hopes that we would arrive in plenty of time for me to get my rental board, boots and get signed in for my lesson at 10 am, but the ice slide of a road had other ideas. After much debating, chaining of tires and couple of turn-arounds we arrived at the resort shortly before 11.

I had already missed my lesson so I would have to wait until the afternoon lesson at 1pm, which was ok by me. I sent Ace to the mountain of powder and became a snow widow. Finally, my time came. Nervous but optimistic, I listened to the instructor and tried to replicate his movements.  I felt clumsy, but so far I was managing. Then came the next test, step onto a conveyor belt and let it drag you to the top of a very tiny hill. I “skated” onto the belt and then I tried to move my other foot onto the board and promptly fell.  One thing I had to quickly give up was my pride.

The next two hours, I spent falling.  Just the act of moving into a standing position on a snowboard is a challenge!  A couple of times I was able to successfully make it the bottom of the hill without falling; Although, I had no idea how I had done it and completely unable to replicate the movements again. After each fall I became more determined that I would learn how to do this and I celebrated every small victory. A couple of times, a small girl had the misfortune of getting in front of me on my way down and without the ability to turn I was forced to crash into the snow behind her sending a spray of powder into her back . At least I was successful in scaring the bejeezus out of her!

The next day Ace decided that he would help me learn.  So with him by my side, I set out to conquer this bunny hill! He was more patient than I had thought that he would be. I had expected him to be frustrated because I wasn’t learning the techniques. I expected to be frustrated because he was frustrated.  But after each fall, he had a well thought out critique and a suggestion on how I could improve. I listened to his critiques and advice and I really tried to implement what he was teaching. I still fell time after time, but I could tell that I was learning and improving ever so slightly. I even managed a couple of times to make a successful turn and stop! When that happened I stood for a moment with jaw dropped open thinking that this had to be a mistake and surely I was actually lying on the snow.

In the midst of me falling down again and again into the powder, I also realized that I had fallen for him.